Chemo Diary first entries:
This is my first entry in my Chemo Diary from March 15, 2017. Although it is hard to do, I have decided to re-type it here to share:
Dear Cancer:
I am writing you today, because I read somewhere that it is a good way to process when going through chemo and or dealing with you my friend. The truth is, I have always been serious about journaling, but over the last few years, I completely abandoned it. I didn't really feel the need.
Today, 1 week ago, I received my 2nd Chemo treatment designed to eradicate you from my body completely. I have to tell you this is the most challenging time in all ways, I have ever gone through. And I do think, that I am actually doing good! The physical side effects have been bearable but not comfortable. I feel weak, I have pains, my hair is gone, I have numbness in my fingers and lips and tongue. It burns when I poop. But the hardest part for me is the fogI am in. No memory, no processing skills. A disconnect to my body. A disconnect to my spirit, down to forgetting why I am going through this.
Today, it feels like the fog is lifting and I have some more energy to focus. The taste in my mouth is wierd and my appetite low but at the same time, I am hungry. I don't want to complain, I want to be positive, but the truth is I am scarred. The whole thing is so scarry and I have no one to really talk about it because everyone wants to hear me strong and positive to reduce their own fears. But I am not myself and maybe I never will be "myself" I seem to remember again.And the new "myself" I have not yet met. So cancer, my friend, my parting friend, I am writing to you because you understand and I want to give you a good "good bye" knowing I will not see you again!
March 25, 2017
Dear Cancer:
Well, it has been a rough week. I am not sure why the doctors don't monitor what is happening during the 3 weeks between Chemo applications. Instead, they have me scheduled to come in before the next treatment. And they do blood work the day of the treatment. What about in-between? They just leave (their patients) to my own devices to cope with what is happening. So I felt fine last weekend - considering - and then woke up in the middle of the night Sunday to Monday screaming in pain. Something going on in my stomach.At first I thought it was going to fo away, but it just lasted. Ended up at the doctor's office after calling. Threw up there. But in the end, they did not really have an answer. The X-Ray did not show an obstruction. I got medicine for gastritis. Couldn't eat until Thursday. Lost more weight. Never felt great and still don't but have to go on Wednesday for the next Chemo. I don't feel like I am strong enough. My whole body hurts. When I get up it takes a moment before my legs carry me forward. Then they feel weak. Otherwise, I am better, also mentally. But I look in the mirror and don't recognise myself. Everyone I talk to has different suggestion as to what to do to keep my body strong. They are all good suggestions but I can't do it all. I try to do as much as I can and what feels right. I take all these supplements. Drink Aloe. Turmeric, Protein. Today I even drank charcoal from ceremony because my friend suggested it. I heard before that the coal from ceremony fire, just like activated charcoal, is good for healing. I had diarrhoea right away. Not sure if it was from the coal or something else. So maybe I should stop. I am so confused because of course the doctors say brain from taking anything and definitely nothing to detox, because they want no interference with the chemo. Alternative healers that wrote books suggest strengthening the immune system as much as possible. That makes sense to me because I want to have some strength while in treatment. How else will I get through? Chemo compromises the immune system so much. But I have definitely been influenced by and caught up in the modern medicine approach. This approach is so fear driven. Basically they tell you if you don't listen to them everything will be a disaster. But then they are surprised how well I heal and strong I am when they see me. But I can't even tell them all the things I am doing. And maybe all I am doing is still not enough? The thing is, despite my need to take care of myself, I am still wishing to feel normal. So I crave sitting on the balcony, having a glass of wine and smoking a cigarette. Absurd, not the best habit but it makes me feel like everything is ok, instead of feeling weak and confused and constantly worrying about doing everything just right. I set my intention for this coming treatment to be well with it. For the second treatment I was scared because the first one was pretty good and then I actually felt pretty well. But the second treatment followed my fear and it was worse. This time I go in not super strong but I will expect better outcome. I just expect to be well this time. I know I will be well this time.