My mom has bone cancer
When I started planning and writing this blog, I was thinking it would be about my experience with having had cancer and what it felt to go through chemo therapy so that you, my readers, could better understand what really happens and for those of you who are having a similar experience, to realize that we are not alone. I thought it would be beneficial for both caretakers, friends and family members, as well, as those of us who are the actual diagnosed ones. I was so focused on what it felt like to me that I forgot what it feels like to be on the outside.
I got a quick reminder this past week. Last Thursday I found out that my mom, who had gone to the doctor for sciatic pain, has cancer in the sacrum and lower lumbar bones. I was devastated to hear the news and basically cried for an entire day. Not only did I think the worst immidiately, but also, I just felt paralyzed from fear of losing my mom. I live almost 8000 miles away from my parents, so running over and giving my parents a hug and seeing how I can help, is not really an immidiate possibility. This week Tuesday my mom had a full body bone scan to determine the extend of the bone cancer. The results were, as my dad put it, that cancer has basically affected every bone in the body, including the skull. So it is systemic, not localized. Another day for me of crying and fear and parlysis. Yesterday she had her CT scan to determine if any organs are affected. We have not received the results yet.
My Mom is a two time cancer survivor. If I remember correctly, she had a mastectomy about 4 years ago and received radiation treatment thereafter. She had her first occurence in 2011. That initial time, only the tumor was removed. The tumor which she had walked around with for many years, by the way, and had not gone to the doctor despite me urging her. She must have been scarred beause her mother also died of breast cancer that spread througout the entire body in the end. Cancer is definitely a common occurance in the maternal line of my family. Besides worrying about my mom, of course this also stirrs up so many fears in me for myself. I have already had three tumors removed and had chemo therapy once. What is my outlook really? I don't want to think like that and try to redirect my mind, as to not create negative energy, but there is that nagging voice in the back of the mind that comes up and says, am I really done with this or is there no escape in the end?
A close friend of mine said: "In the end we are all human and we cannot escape our humanity, and we will leave this body one way or another". And isn't that the truth?! So I have to pull myself out of my own fears about my own health, because when the contract is up, it is up, no matter what the cause.
So I can focus on my mom. I think this diagnosis for her is the most impactful for her, my dad and me. Her breast cancer didn't really change anything for us, or her. The prognosis was always good. This time she has excruciating sciatic pain, possibly caused by the tumor. She is not able to do anything at all and the pain killers are not giving her enough relief. Also, she is scarred to take too many pain killers. Hopefully, she can get over that fear soon. My dad, for the first time in his life has to step up and do things for her and himself that he has labled as a "woman's" duty all of his life. Be it from lazyness, cultural upbringing or just pure ignorace, the man cannot even cook an egg, much less shop for it. Although today he proudly told me how he is learning his way around the grocery store. My mom is having a hard time letting go of her "housewife duties and woman's duties" but finally gave up ironing all the clothes and bedsheets. She feels like she is letting my dad down. She is stubborn as hell and fighting it all. Maybe that's why the pain killers don't work. I am sitting 8000 miles away, only hearing a few things a day and dealing with my own fears. I don't think I ever faced the possibility of my mom leaving until this week. I had thoughts about it but never experienced this tremendous fear of losing her on this physical plane. I have to be grateful for all the time we have had. For all the support she has given me, even when it didn't feel like it...and I am praying for a miracle that the cancer has not spread throughout her organs and that she can walk with bone cancer for a bit longer. My parents don't want me around for now but they are aware that I am willing to drop everything to go help and be a caretaker for them. I would feel a lot better if I could go and see with my own eyes how they are coping and maybe set up things for them. It's a waiting game at the moment. I have to try to go ahead with my life, but feel like I cannot plan anything because maybe I will have to fly home and spend time there.
So now this is also a blog about being a bystander to cancer and what that may mean and feel like. I thank you all for reading and allowing me to share.